Friday, October 23, 2009

If you are lonely...

all you have to do is go into your garage to get some food for lunch from the shelves.  Take along your three year old who has decided only to wear her underwear.  Be sure that your two year old child is left behind in the kitchen so that he can slam the door shut behind you.  Also be sure that the door from the kitchen to the garage is locked and that you have securely locked all other doors and windows in your house so you can't get back in. 

At this point you should discover that you don't have a phone or any other means of communication. Not even a match to start a bonfire and send up some smoke signals.  What you should do next is talk to your two year in a chirping cheerful tone through the door and try and coax him to turn that little button thing up on the doorknob, that's right turn it like that sweetie, no don't knock on the door , turn the knob, no not the doorknob the little button thing, the little one, that's right turn it...please...turn it...please.  

When he doesn't turn it place your three year old as sentinel outside the door to talk to the two year old so that he doesn't make his way through the house and get into trouble while you ride your bike down the street and borrow your sister in law's cell phone. 

About halfway back home you will probably hear your three year old's voice screaming "MOM WHERE ARE YOU? I'M SCARED! I'M LONELY! I'M SCARED! I'M LONELEY! I'M SCAR....oh...there you are." 

Make a quick call and then, these guys will show up.
 They wear uniforms.
They have tools. They ignore the mess in your garage. They laugh at your jokes. They will break into your house for you.

 They will enjoy the sight of your two year old in the pile of brown sugar that he has helped himself to in your absence.

 And afterwards they will congenially mill about your yard with your kids.

And you will not be lonely anymore. 

And then you will think, "maybe my two year old knew I was a bit lonely after two days with my beloved husband out of town. Maybe he did this on purpose so that these fellows would provide a bit of neighborly company.(I mean these are the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood. Yes these are the people in your neighborhood. They're the people that you meet each day.) How thoughtful of him to lock me out."
(Or maybe this was the only way he could think of to get into the sugar.)

  So I don't want any of your self pity here. I've given you a plan. No need to wallow in loneliness anymore.


  1. I guess I'll take the one in the middle.

  2. I think my dh is with your dh. They probably aren't lonely. Esp since I think both of them are introverts.

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. Thanks for the plan. You are so sweet to provide all the details for a fun day with my neighborhood service workers. I hope I can get it as perfect as you. TOO FUNNY! We once had the entire fire department show up at our house at 2 am because the fire alarms wouldnt shut off. LOW BATTERIES! how embarassing! We were new to the neighborhood and I guess we just wanted to met everyone and provide an on site field trip with the fire trucks.

  5. The Professor was actually in North Carolina so not with your professor. But you are right they ARE both introverts!

  6. and leslie, it sounds like you've got the fire fighter social mingler down pat. I could learn from you. teach me, master.

  7. It's too bad we missed out on all the action! Maybe another time....

  8. it makes me laugh to see my name next to
    "This post has been removed by a blog administrator"
    a blogger time out if you will. you will probably just delete this one too won't you? won't you?!

  9. you sure know how to throw a party girl friend too funny glad every body survive unscathed

  10. This is too good to be made up. What the heck??? Why don't you have this much fun when I am there? I try to only lock keys in the car.

  11. Yes. This really happened. Friday. Joys untold.

  12. Love it!! Did you get a bill yet?